Sorrow of the Stubborn Captain
by Catwoman2
Summary: Based on a poem by Mari Evans, two different endings, Janeway reflects on everything that happened after Voyager lands on Earth.


Sorrow of the Stubborn Captain

**Author:** Catwoman

**Rated:** PG****

**Disclaimer: **Paramount owns these characters, yet I write the stories

**Summary:** This is a fanfic based on the poem "If There Be Sorrow" by Mari Evans

If there be sorrow / 

So this is it. We are home now, and there is nothing else to it. We are home, if that's what it's called… now what?

Home has been on Voyager. I just realize that as I see that blue and green ball growing, glowing in its light and beauty. Earth. Not home, never home. I have been calling it that for some time now; all of my life in fact, but it's not true.

 I realize that just now. I realize that I should have parked my ship at the first planet we came to in the Delta Quadrant, should have stayed there, should have. I didn't.

"Captain, Admiral Paris is hailing." Chakotay's voice, but his heart wasn't in it. It was with Seven. As much as I hate to picture it, that's where it was, and that's where it would always reside.

"On screen." I see the Admiral's familiar face come on the view screen, aged from time, but still familiar. 

"Captain Janeway."

"Admiral." It came out at a high-pitched note, for I was already trying to hold back tears. Too many emotions to keep in, I know I'm going to start getting teary-eyed.

"Captain, welcome home…" Applause. From my crew I suddenly determine. Are they clapping for me, or because we are home? Maybe it's both.

The clapping subsided and Admiral Paris continued, "… we have a fleet of ships that will direct you, Voyager will reach Earth in about twenty-five minutes."

"Acknowledged, Admiral."

"Paris out." The face on the screen clicked off and another round of cheers followed, but I was not clapping. 

Later, the senior staff and bridge crew would think my tears were of joy, but they weren't, and will never be. They were tears of sorrow for what I lost, who I lost.

Let it be / For things undone / 

Maybe I'm supposed to be at debriefings now, or maybe at my home in Indiana. My mother would want to see me, for it has been seven years and mothers do worry, especially mine.

It has been about a forty minutes since we were greeted by Admiral Paris, five minutes since the crew left to go greet their families, ten since they all said good-bye to me. I can still remember those ten minutes ago. Some were smiling a sad smile with happy glee; sad to leave their new home, Voyager, but happy to see their families… their real families.

Chakotay was with her when they left. They were together, and I have come to realize they might always be. There is no room for me, and they do not need me. 

Out of all the blond-haired, big-boobed, bimbos he could have chosen, it had to be the one I taught… the one who I had been the mentor of. Why Seven of Nine? 

I have a sudden urge to throw her out the airlock. I get the sudden pang in my stomach remembering that I was the one who stopped Chakotay from flushing her into null space with the rest of the drones. Damn, why did I have to care so much? One order, one little reason to give that order, and my future would have been so much different. So much better.

Since its forty minutes since we were hailed, the rest of the crew is gone now. They are probably fraternizing with family and friends… having a good old time. And, what am I doing? Nothing. Just sitting here on the floor of my quarters, doing nothing. Not very captainly behavior, but then again, I doubt I'm still the captain of this ship anymore.

"Well, girl…" I start talking to my ship, my Voyager. "You got us home, and within great time. Who knew you'd be capable of it? But you were, and I'm grateful. Too bad it wasn't a little sooner… but thank you anyways."

My hand goes to the bulkhead on a wall in my quarters. Good thing the wall decided to be right up against where I was sitting, don't think I would have wanted to move. With a tap or two, I pat my ship… the same one that I was first commissioned to captain. 

Tears come to my eyes. It was just a ship, but then again, it was my ship… maybe more. Voyager had done what any other ship might not have been capable of doing; it stranded us, gave us a home, found a way back to Earth, and stranded us to Earth… our supposed homes, my supposed goal. Too bad I had cared about everything… everyone, except for one person: me.

My thoughts wander to things that could have been done, things I could have made possible.

**Undreamed / Unrealized / Unattained**

_"I can tell you a story. It's an ancient legend among my people… and he finally understood the true meaning of peace."_

_A tear glided down her cheek, only one droplet. Yet, it was just enough to show him that she had appreciated his story. That tear, was one of the first she had showed him, and it held more emotion then could ever be spoken._

_"Is that really an ancient legend?" She had asked, a faint half-smile on her lips, trying to lighten the mood, with no success. _

_"No…" he took in a quiet breath. "But, that made it easier to say"_

_Another tear. It streamed along the same path as the one before it._

_Hands came together in the strength of one, fingers entwined in a binding love. She could feel the heat of his palm against hers, thumb stroked thumb, and the moment became charged and magical. Time had frozen._

I could have said those three words then, and it would have changed my life. Three little words. I love you. All I had to say, but yet I couldn't, and time kept moving. 

I was not ready for him then, and I wished I had been, but I wasn't. Nothing would change that, and there were other times anyways.

_"I guess I am alone after all"_

_Her tears threatened to spill over with those words; she was going to cry. But no, she had to be strong, had to show Chakotay she could live without him. Her stubborn nobility tore a hole through their friendship, seared the command duo in half, yet all she could do, was be even more stubborn._

_"Dismissed"_

_He looked sad, angry with her. Not like he was going to cry, a different sadness, like he had lost his best friend, and companion. She wished he would change his expression. _

_All he did was leave._

Damn, why had I had been so self-righteous? I should have agreed with him, or at least argued but through the argument try to see his point of view. I should have done something other then make him and I feel completely miserable. But, I didn't. 

We became friends again anyways, yet it was different. Something was missing.

_"It made me realize I was using him as a safety net, you know. As a way to avoid getting involved with someone else."_

_"You don't have that safety net anymore."_

_Now, there was an open pass. He just had accepted that statement of hers, and he had some look in his eye. Longing, wanting, needing. She faltered on her next words._

_"That's right," she paused, but some urge told her to add the next part, an urge of fear. "Then again, my life is far from uneventful here in the Delta Quadrant. It's not as if I would have time to pursue a relationship, even if I hadn't have realized that I was alone."_

_Damn. That was what she thought as soon as the words were out of her mouth. _

_"You're hardly alone, and to my way of thinking, there's still plenty of time."_

_He had said it. She had showed no sign whatsoever of wanting him, and he still didn't say anything wrong. He just accepted that Mark was gone, and that meant his chance might come. Might._

"Plenty of time…" 

_She echoed his words, there was nothing else to say or do. She desperately wanted to kiss him, but she didn't._

I could've said it, could've said those three words. 

What was standing in my way back then? Mark was gone, why would the crew care? I did love him, so what was it? My stubborn side.

**To these add one /**

I sit here, just on the floor, sitting; there is nothing to do. Nothing at all. I don't want to leave my ship yet, it is my safe haven, and I don't want to face what Earth has to offer.

Starfleet has been nice enough to allow me a while to just sit here in my ship before I am forced to come out. I remember the conversation:

_"Captain, would you come out and greet the families?" An Admiral._

_"I would like to have some time alone on my ship, if that is too much to ask."_

_"No, we would just prefer you meet and greet, then you can head to the debriefings." He was too polite; it was making her a little angry how Starfleet Admirals almost never raise their voice._

_"Good, I would like to say good-bye to the ship"_

_"Two hours."_

_"Fine." And she left, back inside her ship._

It must be getting close to the time limit, and I know that the Admiral will be on time, right at the tick of two hours. No sooner and no later. How come they always have to be so perfect? All the rules Starfleet has, I wonder how anyone could ever obey them. 

What if a captain forgot to follow one rule? Would that little thing but her up for court martial? 

"Why me? Why Starfleet?" A tear spilled onto her cheek, but she brushed it away.

When she had joined the field of work, she had always wanted to explore, had loved to be accepted into the Academy. Now, however, it was different.

She would have rather loved then worked.

A creaking sound came from outside the hall of her quarters. She never would have heard it, yet without the hum of the warp core and beeping of buttons, everything was dead silent. Every little thing could be heard.

The creaking got louder, louder, all the while. It took a while to register, but now she was almost certain that the noise was footsteps. Must be the Admiral, her time must have been up.

A chime. Whoever was outside at least had the decency to call before just waltzing in. Might as well answer it.

"Come in."

The door swished, and in the doorframe stood a dark figure, definitely a man, silhouetted by the very few lights in the hall.

**Love withheld /**

I feel a tingling sensation in the pit of my stomach. Butterflies.

The mysterious man spoke, and it flowed like water from a spring. I know exactly who it is.

"I thought I might find you here, what are you doing? Why didn't you leave with the rest of us?"

"Chakotay…" It was Chakotay, he had taken a couple steps inside, and she could now see his face well enough to make out the tattoo right above the eye.

"Kathryn, Admiral Lane sent me in here to get you."

"Where's Seven?"

It came out a little harsher then she had expected. She knew by his expression that he wasn't very happy to here her say that. She knew that her death glare now showed, and her jaw was set. He merely stared into her eyes, immune to the glare, sadness masked in the lines on his face.

"She's gone. I never expected to get back to Earth this early, neither did she. First chance she got, she told me that we were through."

He masked his sadness and covered his tears.

"I'm sorry, Chakotay." I wasn't sorry, however. Mad. Mad at what Seven had done to him, used him. Mad that Seven had taken him, and like he meant nothing, forgot about him and moved on.

Restrained / 

I wanted to not love him. I wanted him to feel everything I had to go through for the past seven years of my life. I wanted revenge. I did not want to love him at all, not one bit.

Too bad you can't pick who you fall in love with or when, too bad.

**Happy Ending: **

"It's alright, it was for the good. I guess if we were still on _Voyager_ I don't know what would have happened, but all I know is that it probably wouldn't be right. She wasn't meant for me."

"Guess not."

I glance at him once. His features are now not as sad as they were. Now, the sad glow in his eyes is replaced by a longing. His eyes turn a deep brown as I gaze into them. I try to see his soul, his heart. I'm not sure I can anymore.

He breaks the gaze.

"Come on, Kathryn," he speaks so softly, so gently. "Let's get you home."

He helps me up by an offer to grasp his hand, and I take it. I let go, and we walk out of my quarters.

Something happens when we are walking down the hall. He puts his arm around my shoulder. I have a fear in the pit of my stomach as to what might happen. That fear has stopped me from doing things so many times. Now, however, it is too late. I lean closer and put my hand around his waist.

I don't know what will happen now. We might be together, or we could go our separate ways, no one knows. In my mind, I know that I hope it is the first one. His arm is still around me as we ask for the beam out.

I realize we will still be holding each other in front of all the people down below on Earth, but I also realize that it doesn't matter to me. I grasp tighter on to him, never wanting to let go, but knowing I probably will.

I feel the hum of transport taking place, and I mutter my last words to the ship, to him.

"I am home."

I finally feel the things I had been waiting for for the past seven years: peace, comfort, and love. I hope he never lets go. I am finally home.

**Sad Ending:**

But, in some ways, I know he has moved on. I know he loves Seven, not me. I should better get up and leave before I make a fool out of myself.

"I guess Starfleet is waiting for me, I better go out there." A sad frown forms on my face.

"Guess…"

He had nothing to say. Deep inside my heart I'm wishing for him to stop me, hoping that he does, wanting him to not let me run again. I don't want to run away from him, but I feel I should.

We enter the transport room, and he calls for a transport. Just before everything fades and particles split, I hear his voice once more.

"Welcome home."

Everything fades, and I mutter my last words to the ship, to him, although no one can hear.

"My home is _Voyager_."

It's too late to turn around, I was too stubborn, and it ruined my life.

Finis 


End file.
